Where do we go?

'he's got eyes of the bluest kind...' 💙

To Andy xx

(one year gone.)

I will always, always miss you.
The world has lost a bit of its beauty without you.
I'm so sorry that you can't be here. That you're not here
living your life, happy and in love, blue eyes bright.
As always, I wish I could have done something, could
have known, could have helped you find your way. But sometimes the way is
fucken dark. I'll admit that. But I won't give in to it.

I'm sorry for everything I did and didn't do.
I did love you, you know. Even though you broke my heart in the end up. (but I know
I'd broken yours first, several times...) I didn't think it was the end you see.
I thought happy ever after was always on the horizon. How foolish of me. Because
all we've got is NOW.

This song, this intro, reminds me of you. So many things do. I will remember you,
blue eyes, big heart, believer in beauty, in life, in happy ever after. "Its not over yet..."
You made me smile so many times, soul mate, friend of my heart.

'Where do we go? where do we go? where do we go now?'

Into the bluest of dreams, happy and true.

I believe that.


xxx

New Year

This night 14 years ago I shared a spectacular New Year's kiss, with a special guy.

It was turning 2004, there were green sparkles in the air and the wee hours of the night alive with unexpected camaraderie and magic. I suppose it all started with me telling him, in an offhand way that I had missed seeing him around. But it was an admission of more than that; he knew it before I did.

I think I changed his night for the better then, as he did mine. So easy it was, to acknowledge how we felt. That night, was the beginning of a romance that was to linger long. One that started the blooming of my heart. There's not a New Year's goes by I don't think of it, that wonderful surprising kiss we shared under the stars. Everything it led to. Love, and knowing there was someone out there who really liked me, and for who I really was. And ditto. It kind of changed everything.

Andy, in every year since, I've missed not seeing you around. My heart always searches you out. Didn't you know it?  (I think you did.)
But this is the year I will miss you forever. It's so hard to believe you're gone. But there's proof: my world, emptier without you. My heart, anchored to this memory I will clutch like stardust. I cannot wish you Happy New Year anymore, but I can wish you peace. Peace and love and happiness and everything you couldn't find here xxX

Siobhán

Into my Arms

Dear Andy

Why did you have to go?

I'm so sorry you had to feel so much pain. I'm so sorry I hadn't known. I'm so sorry I could not help. And I'm sorry, to the bottom of my soul, that the world will no longer know you. That you are gone.

You deserved so much more. You were so much more.

I wish I had told you that. I wished everything for you. That happiness had found you. I will never forget how you made me feel loved. How we shared the same dreams, the same soul even. I have always carried your love in my heart, have always come back to your memory as a treasure, a charm, a proof of love.

I know you are in the stars now, at home, at peace, in a place of pure love. France and so so much more :) I hope you know that I will always miss you; that my soul will always feel your absence. World not the same now,  its starry core depleted.

I hope from your vast vantage point now you see that you were loved, that you were special Andy. That you mattered. That it all matters.

*Toujours dans ma coeur*

Xxx

Siobhán

Moon River

What if you end up looking back on your life and being filled with regret? At what could have been, of who could have been...What then?

'Two drifters off to see the world, there's such a lot of world to see...'

After the Rain, the Sun

The endless rain like a wound re-opening, the feeling of hopelessness in the face of regret.

'Oh my love I can't let go...'

After; sun. Rays of illumination. Perception slowly shifting; sun flares; glimmers of gold.
Everything taking on the assemblage of significance again, every little thing mattering. Vindication. Redemption. Gold glint of memories, precious, priceless, lit, bit by bit, by love.

Dedication

Chasing Stars...

'Suddenly I'm caught in your light...'

 


'If I lay here, if just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?'

'And my thoughts turn to you...'

Love Me Foolishly...

Love never goes away does it...not really. It lingers long, first as an ache, then as something sweet and amicable, a heady kind of mix of bittersweet.

Helloo Summer

Don't know why but summer to me always starts off in Band of Horses tones. Wide open prairies , sweeping sunny spaces and endless horizon lines measured out in guitar gustos.

Expansive

Standing on the cusp of summer into an expansive blue sky; the whole world stretches open with possibility.

Chin Up

'Can't bring you down...'

'When you're young, you get sad...'

Life Times & Death Dream

To P, one year gone x

Exile Villify

Reliving heartache... unexpectedly. Something you thought you'd gotten rid of.... returns with a vengeance; turns out to be a perpetual pain, inescapable. Gasp. Exile the regret, villify if necessary. It still doesn't work. The heart watches it all with a thousand eyes.

Don't Forget About Me/Remember Me

Fearless

This first song 'Fear' by Sarah McLachlan resounds with power. The kind of power that comes when you swallow the fear and propel yourself against it.... into heady fearlessness. This song is my reminder that fearlessness goes hand-in-hand with being true to yourself. If you have the courage to do that, then everything else, all other fears, will naturally dissolve. Now, to hear this song again, is always an ear-opening epiphany. Feel the goosebumps:

And soaring into the lovely heights of living without fear...

Ago

"Take me back to the night we met...."

"Are we all lost stars...?"
 

Starman

RIP David Bowie, a true artist: a creative, fearless, innovative, individual.

New Year Happy Thoughts

I think I've just found my new theme song! :)

Merry Christmas

November Nuances/Winter Prelude

Winter is... inside weather, finding again the hearth of home and heart...quiet contemplation, silent solitude, graceful subtle beauty. Healing scorched hearts, relearning peace.